For years I looked forward to the day I would become a wife and a mother. And boy was I anxious for that day. While attending college it was a struggle to decide what my chosen career might be, because "Mom" was going to be my career. What I once only imagined has now become my reality. Little did I know that "Mom" would be the hardest career choice I would make.
Of course finding that perfect someone came first. I married my sweetheart on February 17, 2001. Oh I was (and still am) SO blessed to be married to such a wonderful man. It wasn't long after Warren and I married that we decided to have kids.
Baby number one was a delight and I was thrilled to have been blessed with such a sweet spirit sent directly from my Father in Heaven. He was the perfect baby! He cried and I could soothe him. He laughed when I played with him. He smiled when Dad came home from work. He even hit me sometimes, but we got through that challenge quite simply. When he wanted attention, I gave it to him. Being a Mom to Caleb was no real task at all. I could do this several times over.
Baby number two came to our home four years later. And what an exciting day it was to bring our little Hannah home. It was so "fun" to have a little girl now. Oh, and all the attention we had from having such a beautiful little girl. Her little locks of curl often the topic of the "oohing" and "awing". We had done good. A handsome little boy and a beautiful little girl. It was superb! I felt the Mommy rewards whenever anyone would pay my children a compliment.
Being a Mom was a better career than anything else I could have done. This statement still holds true, but now has an entirely new meaning to it. It has been said by several people that if you can get through the challenges of three children you can handle however many more come your way. I didn't believe it. Because Caleb and Hannah were four years apart, there would be no problem throwing a third into the mix. Caleb was six by the time we had baby number three. I had a helper. So I could handle this easily.
Well Jacob decided to make his appearance into our world six weeks early. We were already off to a rough start. All of a sudden my career as a Mom became much more demanding. Although our time spent in the hospital was only a weeks time, I was torn between the needs of my children at home and my baby in the hospital. I found myself running solely on adrenaline. Anxiety began to rule my world in what seemed like a moments time. My moment to heal physically and emotionally seemed to have passed. And now it was entirely up to me to make sure all my wonderful children had their needs taken care of.
Jacob would prove to be a bit more demanding. This became apparent after an incident in the NICU. There was one particular night I had asked the nurse to let me sleep. I wanted her to take care f his needs. I was pretty exhausted. Not ten minutes after I got to my room, the phone rang. Indeed, it was. The nurse called to tell me that Jacob might still be hungry. She could not get him to calm down. His binki wasn't working and she couldn't console him by holding him. I found my way back to Jacob's bed and tried to nurse him. He didn't seem interested so I just held him. Sure enough it was Momma's cradled arms he wanted. He calmed right down and finally went to sleep. At that moment in time I was thrilled that he wanted Mom. It was a testimony to me that he
knew who Mom was. However, the feelings of exhaustion overwhelmed me. I would soon be on my way home and it would be only me and three kids to take care of.
It seems the first few years of Jacob's life have been the hardest years I would endure (I should probably not say that out loud, or I might be "blessed" with more trying times. ) :) Having suffered through some pretty horrible postpartum depression, I was put on a medication. For two years I felt as if I were only existing. My energy levels were non existent and I didn't have any real highs nor did I have any real lows. I just was. My poor kids didn't have a Mom that wanted to do anything. I totally despised what I was becoming. All my ambitions of being a spectacular "house wife" and "mother" seem to be slowly getting further and further away from where I wanted to be. Even spiritual things didn't touch me like they used to. If you have seen the movie
The Holiday, I felt a lot like Cameron Diaz when she tried to make herself cry and she simply could not do it. All I wanted was a good cry some days. But the emotion wasn't there.
November of 2009, with the convincing and help of a therapist, I decided that I was going to go off of the medication. Here it is now March 2010 and I feel great! I finally feel like I have myself back again. My energy levels are still not where I would like them to be, but I have a renewed desire to make sure I get things done that need to be done. I am able to love my kids a little more. I feel a little more patient. (Notice the key word is "little"). My thoughts on the matter of patience is that I believe it will be an ongoing test my Father in Heaven gives me for a long time. :) I can only hope I might at least master this before judgment day.
Alright, I have gotten off on a tangent. Back to my kids. Even today, I find myself wondering why on earth I signed up for this assignment. But I wouldn't change it for anything. I still have to follow Jacob around the house to make sure he doesn't make disaster after disaster. If he isn't trying to stuff things in the toilet, he is climbing on the counters getting into things he shouldn't, or karate chopping his sister, screaming at the top of his lungs because he doesn't like something. But the things I recognize more now are the sweet moments he has with us. Jacob is such a sweetheart. He snuggles up with me and gives me big loves and kisses. He likes to play funny games and has such a sense of humor. I absolutely love his facial expressions when he starts to play. I guess the thing I am trying to express is that during the first few years of Mothering three kids, I found it hard to find appreciation in the moment. I feel that Heavenly Father has blessed me with the added strength to endure the hard times, but also to find more pleasure in the great times.
I now understand the challenge of "Motherhood", but yet again, I wouldn't change it for the world. What a blessing it is to be entrusted with Heavenly Father's children. I know that He gives us trials to make us stronger. My life has definitely changed in the past few years and I would like to think that I am a wiser and stronger person for it.
